Death

It doesn't really seem fair, death. It swoops in and takes people you love away when you least expect it. It is so strange, and incomprehensible, it is something that we as mortals may never understand. Today I learned something new about death. In the past I have had people die. People who lived near me, or people whose families I knew, but I was either too young or not close to the person. I never understand before.

Much had I contemplated death. All the time I think about the eternities and heaven. I thought it would be okay, I have the knowledge that God lives, that we can return to him, that we will be able to see our family again. I thought it silly why people were sad, when I was certain that if someone I knew died, I would not be sad, but happy. I was wrong.

  A boy in my ward died today. He was my friend. He was a sweet, kind boy, and funny too. It's so hard to think that I won't see him in sunday school anymore. It's hurts to know that he won't be walking the halls at school. I think about it, and it makes me cry. It's a type of sadness I've never felt before. A type of sad that you don't notice hunger, you don't want to talk about it, but at the same time your soul is dying to let it all out to someone. Mainly it hurts. A burning feeling in your chest that all is lost. I couldn't imagine feeling this and not knowing that boy is in heaven and that we will see him again, it would be so hard.

Everyone wants to be understood, but in truth no one can ever fully understand another, because we are all different. The thing about death is that no one can say they understand until they've experienced in close hand. When I was about seven a girl my old-old ward died, she was thirteen. I thought it was sad, but nothing more. Just last year an older boy whose family I once knew drowned, I thought it was sad, nothing else. I know now. When someone dies who was close to you, you feel that sadness. My brothers and sisters see nothing wrong. My mom tells them a young boy in their ward dies and they ask why I'm so sad, because they don't understand. I was like that. I could never know how much death hurts, until it is hitting me in the face.

Yes, maybe one day I will get to see that boy again, but for the rest of my mortal life I will never see his smile, watch his eyes light, see him joke around with the other boys and tease him. I can't even begin to comprehend how his family is hurting, but I know how it is affecting me and it doesn't feel good. I wonder if he's up there now, I wonder if he wishes we wouldn't be sad, if he wishes we would know he's okay and happy. I think, though, that it is part of a human life. When we cry it lifts a burden off our shoulders and so we cry and cry and eventually accept the truth.

Death is something I thought much about, but never felt. Death is something that I will never understand. Death hurt me today as it hurt many others. When people mutter I'm sorry for your loss, I don't know if I could ever say such a simple thing again. Death hurts much more than a simple sorry could ever cure. Only time, tears, and faith can cure the sadness of death.