Freezing in Cali

I have to admit I come from Utah a place where it is one hundred degrees in July, here in California I am a wimp. I mean when you walk outside and have to wear long pants with a jacket in the middle of July there is something up or straight ahead, that something is probably called the ocean. But seriously how many people living in Utah can say that they have had to put two blankets on at night during the hottest month and seriously air conditioners like don't exist here, I wonder what the winter months are like *shudder*. Well at least when I go back to Utah and every one is complaining about the 105 degree weather I can tell them to go to california and bring their winter gear!

Our world of Peace

Today I think I figured out another secret of nature. For years I've tried to hear a tree, that may sound a little weird but it's true, if you can connect with nature enough you can feel the trees life force running through you, yeah I know it sounds weird but it's totally cool. I went way up in the hills following an old stream bed and I found this enormous tree. My longing/curious side took over and I climbed it, I went as high as I could then stopped. I remembered the words from my book-Fu means to grow, to become, you must become like the wind as it whispers through the trees, you must grow tall like a tree standing firm and immovable. I placed my hands flat on the tree and listened, I didn't move, I ignored the tingly's on my legs that could have been bugs, I ignored the occasional rustle in the bushes and I just listened. It was such a weird feeling, if I were to describe it I would really say that I could feel the trees life force, although that sound a little weird. It was like my whole arm started tingling as if something was running through my veins. I probably sound all wacko to you, but it's true. Today I learned that nature is peace, that the wind is calming, the earth soft and kind, the trees are there as guardians to watch over the land, and we as humans were given all this peace and beauty, yet we destroy it, we replace it with our roads and houses and amidst all the peace there is war. Everybody wants world peace right? Well we already have it, all around us, we don't need world peace, the world is peace and we can hear it if we listen, every time the wind blows, every time we pass by one of the great guardians, every time we hear the rushing sounds of a stream, if we listen we can hear the message and we can feel peace.

The Tick covered Hills of California

A tick is a regular short, sharp, sound, esp. that made every second by a clock or watch. A tick is a check mark. A tick is a black bug with a little yellow spot on it's back, normally small can be confused with a small spider, they love to dig into your skin and suck your blood. As gross as that may seem it is true. They don't have many "mountains" in California, I would call them more of "hills", in fact I'd actually give them another name, "The Tick covered Hills". You could take this idea and sell it and make a movie out of it about mutant ticks that take over the world, if you decide to do that, good luck! I don't know how many people in the world have seen a tick sitting right next to you on your brothers arm, but now those people can count me as one of them. We've found six ticks on one brother, five on another, and three on my sister and guess how many I've found on me, the amazing number of zero! Wow! Okay, well that settles it I obviously scare away all the ticks with my ugly face, don't look at me! Just Kidding, they just love me to much to want to bore into my skin, either that or they can tell already how sour my blood will taste. If you were wondering I actually do not enjoy writing about ticks, and yet considering that I have nothing else to do it can be a time consuming thing. This place is like a trap of endless boredom, I wish I could go home and not waste my summer here, maybe I should just skip the first few weeks of school and call it an extended summer vacation. Oh, well life is as life is and if life wants to give me ticks I say bring them, they don't seem to like me anyway.

Thank You

I'd just like to give all my friends a big thank you, although I wrote stuff in those past few blogs that should not have been written, I was feeling hurt, like no one cared... I just want my friends to know that they really helped, and I think they need to know that. They are so amazing to care about me in the way that they did, it's nice to know that their there for me. So thank you, I'm so lucky to have such great friends. :-)

things I have to say...

I have a few things I need to say, I have been focusing mainly on the bad things that have been going on and I'm sure there is plenty of good. I have never been the most positive person and I am trying. There were many amazing things that happened on our trip, like the ocean, it is the most amazing thing in the world, I could see it everyday and still marvel at it's wonders, the way the sun sparkles off the water, the way the waves build up then come crashing into shore spraying you with a refreshing mist of cool water. Even though the beach house had only two bedrooms for 10 people it was still so awesome to be able to look out your window and see the ocean. I have to thank my friends who have been giving me support, and I can assure you that I am safe and well. While my stepdads three kids and him intrude in on our close packed family, us five children and my mom are intruding on theirs. We are all having mixed feelings I'm sure. I apologize if I worried any of you, I was very caught up in the moment when I wrote those blogs, I cannot tell you that I did not feel hurt, but it was not as bad as it seemed. My mom tells me it will take up to seven years before we could feel like a real family, that seems like a long time. I don't know if I will ever be willing to to fully except the step siblings into my life, but they are in my life, a part of it now and I have to live with them, I only hope I can find a way too...

An Expression of how I Feel

Sometimes I feel hurt, confused, and sad. Sometimes I feel happiness and joy. But most of the time i just feel neglected. It's easy to feel this way in a large family, but I feel it so much it hurts. I feel lonely and left out. I feel as if my needs are never as important as any one else. If a child needs shoes my parents would rush out to buy them new ones, when my shoes are falling apart and I can feel the ground through their worn soles they tell me to find time to ride my bike to a shoe store and buy shoes myself. I seem to cry so much I feel as if my face will be permanently stained, yet I've only cried for joy once in my life. When others are sick they are cared for and loved, when I'm sick I'm told to take a pill and go to my room, alone and unwanted. No one seems to ever understand how I hurt, especially my mother who only seems to want to get rid of me. I've always had to turn to my stuffed animals for comfort, the only things that seem to care, understand, and listen. I know it's hard sometimes for parents of so many children to get to every child's needs, and they always tell me I demand the most and they give me most of their time, that's not how I see it. I wouldn't care so much about not getting paid in the family except for the fact that my younger siblings who do much much easier jobs get paid lots of money, while I seem to help more than any of them and get much less. I feel as if my room is the only santuary that I can run and hide in feeling safe and yet completely lonely. You probably aren't that interested in this or how I feel I can understand that, and if your anything like my mother you'll probably just say I'm pity partying myself, I don't care all I know is I feel hurt, neglected, lonely, and this is one way I know how to express myself. I once wrote a poem and in it we were supposed to say what we most wanted in the whole entire world, I put that I wanted to be understood, something simple that I may never have.