In a tale of Wales, Mario Cart, and Sleeping troubles!

10:10 a.m.

Okay so I'm having some sleep problems and can't seem to wake up in the morning. Argh! I like this pirate them, I'm gonna stick with it. Anyway I went to Wales, it was cool. Yes I walk four miles in the rain, and yes I spent most of the time car sick or air sick on buses or planes. But it was still cool. How many kids can say that they've been to Wales, how many kids my age can even say that they've gone out of the country? The country in Wales in really quite beautiful.

I learned something today, that I really suck at packman. I am still in my pajamas actually and need to rush off to school. Aaaaaaah! I am so, so, so, so excited that I have only two days of junior high next week, and no dance, no clogging or ballroom! Which is good because my thighs hurt and my toes hurt and my heels hurt, and ow my elbow! Oh, wait I hit that on the corner of the wall, that is one injury that did not come from dance.

Okay well, that is all and all.

I just decided to type random stuff, random random!

I think I'm getting good an Mario Cart and then I play my five year old brother and get beat good so I guess I'm really not improving in the game cube area.

I hate the cold and love the wind!



Good bye!

Silence, at times powerful and other times a hurtful enemy

So it was my birthday two days ago. And no I'm not going to say I feel old, because I don't. Anyway I think my sister broke my ipod which sucks, it's frozen on one page and it stays lit up. Oh, but about two days ago. So for my birthday I got hit in the head twice by metal doors(once by my locker and once by the school front entrance doors as result of an accident), oh and my pencil broke in math so I had a lot of homework and I had to walk to and from school on a spranged ankle. Fun, wouldn't you say? But then we went to YW night of excellence and my YW leaders from my old ward came and brought me 25 roses. It made my day, they are so nice to me! I miss my old ward so much, it's so hard to adjust to being in a new ward, especially when your shy like me. Most people who know me might not think I'm that shy, but I am until I warm up to people then it's like hyper mode and talkative and laughing and smiling all the time. My mom says it might take two years for me to fully get used to this ward. I really don't want to be in uncomfortable silence for that long. It's painful to just stand on the outside, I've never been the type of person who can push into cliques very well. I mean these Young Women, their parents grew up together, they've grown up together and here I am just plopped in here. When your standing on the outside it's painful on your soul and your legs, you just keep thinking of ways to talk to people and get involved and then when you try you feel so stupid afterwards. I love our new house, and out new step dad, he's awesome and yet sometimes I really wish I was just back in my old ward where I had friends and good relationships. I really shouldn't be complaining, at least I didn't have to change schools.
I've been thinking alot about silence, I read this book called "The Chosen" that had alot about silence. They say that through silence you can hear the world crying, that through silence you can listen to what isn't being said. It seems that each person wears a mask, a writer wears the mask of his/her writing, and actor can play any role they wish but rarely will they play the role of themselves. I know that it is very difficult for a person to understand another person when they are not standing in their shoes, and even then they don't have their soul, another person wouldn't deal with on situation the same way as someone else would. I think though we can create a link of understanding if we try to look past the mask, see the person, take the chance to look through their eyes and most importantly listen to what their not saying.

A helping hand

No one sees the girl,

as she sits alone, so alone.

No one cares to say hello,

everyone passes no one notices.

Tears run down the small child's face,

a face where a smile should have been.

Legs held tight to her chest,

arms wrapped gently about her.

People pass her on their way to their busy lives,

only no one stops to see the girl with tears on her face.

Until one day someone sees,

and that someone changed her world.

I do not know really why I wrote this post only that I did, and that this short poem is not really fictional but is more real than we can ever know, the last two lines don't have to be there, it can end with 'the tears on her face', but those two lines are there in hopes that there is some one who would help such a child, we don't even know how much of a difference we can make in one little girls life, that difference can amaze you and can amaze me. That pretty much explains the poem though it does not explain my reason for placing it here, I guess you could call it, inspiration that needed to be written down. As in the above picture we can offer a helping hand to the child, we can change their world, in some cases we may even save their life, this is the simple truth, we live in a world where terrible things happen to children, we have it extremely good. If the time comes that I ever meet one of these children I hope I will be brave enough, strong enough to reach out my hand and pull her up.

I want to...

I am soooooooo bored! I want to listen to music, I want to spread eagle on my carpet, I want to curl up in bed and be a rock, I want to run in the rain, I want do a cartwheel, I want to climb on the roof, I want to fly a cow, I want to grow a potato tree...I actually really do not know what I want to do, at all! This totally sucks, I have gotten what, like two hours of sleep in the last three days? Excuuuuse me if I can't think correctly, I think I had brain damage since I was born! So I'm in this war with my friend, my flying cows against her fat sheep that can roll, only it seems we're at a stand still, we've been in this war what, a month and neither of us will give in to the other! Elle, if your reading this right now you are going to lose, I will prevail my cows are soooooo much better than your sheep! Anyway that is all for now, this post began with no point and will end with no point and so I say...Hey look a Llama!

Saying goodbye...

Yesterday we had some bad news, we have to get rid of all our cats, all four of them. The parents have threatened with it before, but this time I'm afraid their actually going go through with it. I love my cat, Taffy, so much. The only reason they have to get rid of them is because their finding pee all over the house, the problem is why do we have to get rid of all of them when it's probably just one or two cats? Only the other problem is how do we know which one, I've tried other things, expierements on my own and I am almost completely certain my cat is not one of the culprits, only the parents havn't seen the evidence I've seen and how are they to beleive what I beleive if I'm not even absolutely sure myself? The thing is there were so many things I told them they could have tried a while ago and by now they probably would have had just as much pee in the house only they'd have known which cat(s) had done it. I love my kitty, she is my comforter when I'm sad, and I hate to get rid of her. I can only hope that I can find my loving cat a home. Two times now I have, or my cat has been, the culprit of accusations. I already had to get rid of my first cat, Licorice, to the pound, no one can know what that was like, how terrible it felt to hear his frightened meows, imagine having remembered the last moments spent with your cat of him balled up against the back of a carrier, hair standing on end, frightened and scared. It was not my fault that I was forced to give him up and yet I am the one that feels the guilt when I remember the way the woman at the pound looked at me, I am the one who still gets tears to my eyes when I think of those last pictures I have of him, no I will not do it again, if Taffy ends up having to be taken to the pound I will not take her, I would so much rather have my last memories be holding her in my arms, if the parents want the cats gone they should do the dirty work, they should feel the guilt as the woman looks in their eyes with dissapointment. But I'm not giving up yet, I'm going to try to find her a home, she is a good cat and I love her as if she were part of our family, I'm sure someone else could love her just as much. The saddest part is though the parents keep them outside and so we can't even spend any of the last few days, hugging, playing and remembering our loving pets, instead we can only hear their tortured meows as they cry out to be let inside. I don't mean to make the parents sound like the bad guys, I mean what else are they to do? I know it's hurting my mom too, not because she actually cares about the animals, but because she knows getting rid of them will hurt us, the children. I'd like to end with a short poem I wrote last night when I couldn't sleep.

To never feel her gentle fur
To never hear her happy purr

To never hold her close to me
To never pet her while she sleeps

To never see her green, green eyes
To never hold her as I cry

Because now I have to say "goodbye"

Packing my bags and I'm out of here, as soon as I turn eighteen...

When the wood floors shake beneath your feet and you hear a very loud banging noise like thunder much too close for comfort, well it ain't no earthquake it actually happens to be a washer machine, dun, dun, dun, dun. Especially on spin cycle, your afraid that thing is going to blow up in your face along with all the clothes in it, that is one scary thing, I don't think it can help it really it was never a good washer and it is older but our nice washer broke so out with the calm swishing and in with the thunder! I'm so excited that the signs of fall are actually here, it does happen to be my favorite season, not that it has anything to do with my birthday being in October or anything, okay maybe just a little bit. But I really do love the way the leaves turn color, I love the soft cool breezes blowing in, the wind and the rain (that's my favorite part) altogether fall to me, is the perfect season. I never really liked snow though, or sweltering heat, I've always wanted to move to Oregon, they never get snow where my cousins live and hardly ever have sweltering heat, mostly just rain and wind, which would be nice, very nice. Okay well now that you got me started I'm going to have to tell you all the places I want to live, working at my grandma's allowed me to pick up on a few geographical things.

Boring or Zigzag, Oregon

Chattanooga, Tennessee 

Chickamaunga, Minnesota or Michigan ??

Atlama or Gill, Georgia

and last but certainly not least

Sandwitch, wherever that is one of the M states, how am I supposed to remember?

Anyway I think that's enough writing for today, oh and news, I got my passport two days ago I am now a free woman! I can't wait to go to Whales, Great Britain, that's the first place on my list and guess what, my dad said he'd take me for my birthday, mostly because he's a flight attendant and we have free flights, but that is still sooo cool! This is the end of todays post if you are still reading than your just like me and can't be satisfied until the text comes to a complete stop, but what if I just kept on typing and typing and typing than would you ever get off the computer, ever? It's kind of like the game, big red button, if you've never played it, you should now is the official end to the text.

The sun burns! I thought summer was over...

I've been lazy I admit, I should have written a while ago, it's not like moving my fingers along the keyboard is really that difficult, of course writing this does require some brain power, which sometimes I don't seem to have. I'm listening to sherwood right now, I got some new songs from them and their awesome so are the wombats, their from england which is cool! So I spent all this time writing a story for my step brother for his birthday and when he first sees me he says he hates me and hits me, I know he's having trouble adjusting but he really seems to hate me, I never even mentioned his present. Anyway school started yesterday and I made it confusing for myself, again. I'm going part time, my foot in two different schools, the best of both worlds right? Well it can get really confusing, but I'm happy, I really like having choices, a little of each I don't know if I could stand to sit in classrooms all day long! It was soooo hot yesterday and I go to school in the afternoons, it was torture and the longest most boring school day ever! Mostly because it was the first day where the teachers read disclosures and all that, my other school hasn't started yet and so up until noon I really have nothing to do, I guess that's why I decided to write this, only an hour and a half more, I'll find some way to pass the time, mostly I've just been reading and writing and listening to my little brother play his computer games with the volume turned up all the way, of course I try to drown it out with my music, doesn't always work, well enough of the meaningless typing, I think my brain is getting sick of staring at a screen, algebra should do me some good, might make my brain happy at least, that's all for today, zoning out...right now.

Apples, Bannanas, and Flying Cows

Sooooooo here I am finally finding myself writing this, I wanted to post a blog on 8/8/08 so the blog date would say 8/8/08 and that would be pretty cool, actually last year I wanted to write in my journal on 7/7/07 but I ended up not doing that either, once the year 2013 comes along there won't be anymore of these special dates so next year I can't forget, wow it's been a whole year since 7/7/07 and I don't even know where all that time went, it seems like not long ago I was sitting on the couch being lazy thinking that I should write in my journal about that date before the day ended. It seems at times that I want to grow up so fast and than I look back and see how fast it really is going and I realize I don't really want to waste my life away wishing I was a year older than I was, that is never going to do me any good. Now finally to explain the image at the top, I know I'm extremely weird so this next thing shouldn't make you think I'm any more weird, right? Anyway I have the perfect picture of me, the flying cow(above), that must sound weird but I am like totally obsessed with flying cows, okay not that obsessed but I do like them maybe it's just because their a random thing and I'm a random person, I also really like potatoes, bet you didn't see that one coming anyway so the picture is there at the top as you may have noticed. That is all I have to say for now, well actually I have to quiet writing because my friend is going to drive me insane by singing the song apples and bannanas. Here is the link if you want to hear the extremely annoying song and feel my pain!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dmW3aBqZtKQ&feature=related

Out of the fridge and into the oven

If anybody can guess where I am right now speak up, that's right I'm here in the burning never ending heat of Utah, as my dad said "Welcome back to the oven!" At least we have good food here right? Any way the willow tree in the front of our yard is dying and it makes me really sad, I mean I know this sounds silly but it was my friend. I haven't been outside much since i got back, the heat makes me feel so lazy and tired, I want to like run around the block at midnight when i can actually feel a chill, in fact last night I was on the grass at midnight, the place I always go when I can't sleep. I know I' m totally weird, and yet at night is like my day, it's when all the ideas flow to my head, I can think more clearly, especially when I'm out in the night air. At midnight last night I decided to paint this magnet board my friend gave to me last year, and then I started making up another board game, this would be my fourth. My room smells like paint now, but I don't care much, it also seems to be cluttered in wrapping paper, paint brushes, beads, poster board, scissors, glue and I think you get the picture, I'll clean it up sooner or later. Anyway the real reason I'm posting this is to say I have returned successfully back out of the fridge and into the oven. Warning: If this blog post inspired you to lay on the grass at midnight do so with caution, after all sleepless nights never did much good for me!

The Child Psychiatrist

Guess what I found out? We're terrible children, well our family's not perfect anyway. The lady we're staying with kicked us out of her house, she said the neighbors were complaining. She's a child psychiatrist and her children are like perfect, they never fight, quarrel or anything. So yeah she thinks we need "serious medical help" I don't know what's wrong with us, I mean most people I meet end up thinking stuff like that. I mean I don't think I'm some kind of alien, I think I'm a human that lives on planet earth. Anway that's all the bad news but the good news is I get to come home earlly, today actually, which is cool but this psychiatrist still kind of bothers me. This lady thinks my dad is such a great guy, she thinks he'll be our savior our only chance at sanity, she seriously thinks we're like going crazy or something, if there is something really wrong with me I think somebody should say something. I mean I've never been a real fan of psychiatrists they never know how you really feel and yet they think that they do. We're just kids, we're only human, we're still learning, just because we sometimes cry when we're sad, or get angry at times when our siblings really, really get annoying doesn't mean we're crazy right? Just because we're not perfect doesn't mean we need "serious medical help" and I mean really if you agree with the psychiatrist tell me, I think I should know if there's something messed up in my mind!

Freezing in Cali

I have to admit I come from Utah a place where it is one hundred degrees in July, here in California I am a wimp. I mean when you walk outside and have to wear long pants with a jacket in the middle of July there is something up or straight ahead, that something is probably called the ocean. But seriously how many people living in Utah can say that they have had to put two blankets on at night during the hottest month and seriously air conditioners like don't exist here, I wonder what the winter months are like *shudder*. Well at least when I go back to Utah and every one is complaining about the 105 degree weather I can tell them to go to california and bring their winter gear!

Our world of Peace

Today I think I figured out another secret of nature. For years I've tried to hear a tree, that may sound a little weird but it's true, if you can connect with nature enough you can feel the trees life force running through you, yeah I know it sounds weird but it's totally cool. I went way up in the hills following an old stream bed and I found this enormous tree. My longing/curious side took over and I climbed it, I went as high as I could then stopped. I remembered the words from my book-Fu means to grow, to become, you must become like the wind as it whispers through the trees, you must grow tall like a tree standing firm and immovable. I placed my hands flat on the tree and listened, I didn't move, I ignored the tingly's on my legs that could have been bugs, I ignored the occasional rustle in the bushes and I just listened. It was such a weird feeling, if I were to describe it I would really say that I could feel the trees life force, although that sound a little weird. It was like my whole arm started tingling as if something was running through my veins. I probably sound all wacko to you, but it's true. Today I learned that nature is peace, that the wind is calming, the earth soft and kind, the trees are there as guardians to watch over the land, and we as humans were given all this peace and beauty, yet we destroy it, we replace it with our roads and houses and amidst all the peace there is war. Everybody wants world peace right? Well we already have it, all around us, we don't need world peace, the world is peace and we can hear it if we listen, every time the wind blows, every time we pass by one of the great guardians, every time we hear the rushing sounds of a stream, if we listen we can hear the message and we can feel peace.

The Tick covered Hills of California

A tick is a regular short, sharp, sound, esp. that made every second by a clock or watch. A tick is a check mark. A tick is a black bug with a little yellow spot on it's back, normally small can be confused with a small spider, they love to dig into your skin and suck your blood. As gross as that may seem it is true. They don't have many "mountains" in California, I would call them more of "hills", in fact I'd actually give them another name, "The Tick covered Hills". You could take this idea and sell it and make a movie out of it about mutant ticks that take over the world, if you decide to do that, good luck! I don't know how many people in the world have seen a tick sitting right next to you on your brothers arm, but now those people can count me as one of them. We've found six ticks on one brother, five on another, and three on my sister and guess how many I've found on me, the amazing number of zero! Wow! Okay, well that settles it I obviously scare away all the ticks with my ugly face, don't look at me! Just Kidding, they just love me to much to want to bore into my skin, either that or they can tell already how sour my blood will taste. If you were wondering I actually do not enjoy writing about ticks, and yet considering that I have nothing else to do it can be a time consuming thing. This place is like a trap of endless boredom, I wish I could go home and not waste my summer here, maybe I should just skip the first few weeks of school and call it an extended summer vacation. Oh, well life is as life is and if life wants to give me ticks I say bring them, they don't seem to like me anyway.

Thank You

I'd just like to give all my friends a big thank you, although I wrote stuff in those past few blogs that should not have been written, I was feeling hurt, like no one cared... I just want my friends to know that they really helped, and I think they need to know that. They are so amazing to care about me in the way that they did, it's nice to know that their there for me. So thank you, I'm so lucky to have such great friends. :-)

things I have to say...

I have a few things I need to say, I have been focusing mainly on the bad things that have been going on and I'm sure there is plenty of good. I have never been the most positive person and I am trying. There were many amazing things that happened on our trip, like the ocean, it is the most amazing thing in the world, I could see it everyday and still marvel at it's wonders, the way the sun sparkles off the water, the way the waves build up then come crashing into shore spraying you with a refreshing mist of cool water. Even though the beach house had only two bedrooms for 10 people it was still so awesome to be able to look out your window and see the ocean. I have to thank my friends who have been giving me support, and I can assure you that I am safe and well. While my stepdads three kids and him intrude in on our close packed family, us five children and my mom are intruding on theirs. We are all having mixed feelings I'm sure. I apologize if I worried any of you, I was very caught up in the moment when I wrote those blogs, I cannot tell you that I did not feel hurt, but it was not as bad as it seemed. My mom tells me it will take up to seven years before we could feel like a real family, that seems like a long time. I don't know if I will ever be willing to to fully except the step siblings into my life, but they are in my life, a part of it now and I have to live with them, I only hope I can find a way too...

An Expression of how I Feel

Sometimes I feel hurt, confused, and sad. Sometimes I feel happiness and joy. But most of the time i just feel neglected. It's easy to feel this way in a large family, but I feel it so much it hurts. I feel lonely and left out. I feel as if my needs are never as important as any one else. If a child needs shoes my parents would rush out to buy them new ones, when my shoes are falling apart and I can feel the ground through their worn soles they tell me to find time to ride my bike to a shoe store and buy shoes myself. I seem to cry so much I feel as if my face will be permanently stained, yet I've only cried for joy once in my life. When others are sick they are cared for and loved, when I'm sick I'm told to take a pill and go to my room, alone and unwanted. No one seems to ever understand how I hurt, especially my mother who only seems to want to get rid of me. I've always had to turn to my stuffed animals for comfort, the only things that seem to care, understand, and listen. I know it's hard sometimes for parents of so many children to get to every child's needs, and they always tell me I demand the most and they give me most of their time, that's not how I see it. I wouldn't care so much about not getting paid in the family except for the fact that my younger siblings who do much much easier jobs get paid lots of money, while I seem to help more than any of them and get much less. I feel as if my room is the only santuary that I can run and hide in feeling safe and yet completely lonely. You probably aren't that interested in this or how I feel I can understand that, and if your anything like my mother you'll probably just say I'm pity partying myself, I don't care all I know is I feel hurt, neglected, lonely, and this is one way I know how to express myself. I once wrote a poem and in it we were supposed to say what we most wanted in the whole entire world, I put that I wanted to be understood, something simple that I may never have.

A cave and a rattle

We were all bored and hot after a long drive through the mountains when we finally pulled into the parking lot. It was gently caressed in the mountains small hills, from the edge you could look down on many trees and from the other edge you could look up at the supposedly "super short" hike we were about to take. I flew ahead of the others, one of my three younger brothers followed closely behind. I came to a metal gate meant to keep vehicles out, but I continued on stepping carefully through the gate, sure that if I did not touch the metal it would be good luck indeed. I then looked at the wide and gentle climbing path before me, soon deciding on a side path which was much steeper, but I knew it led to a cave, I had seen it from the road and I was determined to enter the cave before my family could catch up. After climbing a few short minutes I reached the entrance. It was low to the crowd and I nearly had to crawl as I entered. Once inside I could feel the dampness press on me, the sudden temperature change took me a moment to get used to, but eventually I did. The sliver of light was quickly fading, I hesitated, crouching there in the half light. I wanted to go farther, but I noticed the end of a sleeping bag, many smashed pop cans and a water bottle I got frightened at the possibility that there might be a homeless person living and possibly in there at that moment and that as a younger women I would have to face him alone, therefore I decided to leave and wait until I could enter the cave once more with my family by my side. I did so once they had finally caught up with me and this time ventured fare enough that the light was a tiny slit and beyond that was black. Even though it was only black that I could see I was pretty sure the end of the cave was just right there in that blackness and so with my dad behind me I took a few steps into the dark waving my hands out in front of me hoping to feel a wall. But instead I heard a rustling noise and I ran back to my dad as fast as I could, I asked him if he had heard anything and as I recall he said no, or something like probably just the wind or some water leaking down. Then I gathered my courage again and took my brother out there with me, gripping my younger brothers arm I pushed him out in front of me. We took a few steps farther than I went before and suddenly there was a loud noise which sounded like a large sprinkler rotating back and forth, then there was a rustling sound like something was moving over the small rocks on the dirt ground, me and my younger brother ran back. Once we were safely out of the cave my father told me that what I had described was the sound of a rattlesnakes' rattle. After we finished our hike we went back to the car and got the emergency flashlight that my brother had remembered we had. Now with the beam of the flashlight I went into the cave first with no hesitation. It took us a moment to locate but it finally slithered out from under the sleeping bag and a still full box of matches, It wasn't as big as I would have expected a rattlesnake to be but It was still pretty large. I'm sure the rattlesnake agrees that it was a pretty neat experience, I'm just lucky that it rattled before I hadn't gotten close enough for it to bite me.

An Introduction

This is the introduction that I feel I must write because every decent blog has a beginning though it may never have an end for a very long time. The view from my window is simply the diary of my life, it is were I shall write down the few excitements in my life. I try to make every day different and important, and remember able in it's own way. Here I will only write a slice of my life, yet I hope it interests you just the same.